1. I saw exactly 16 American films that were released in 2008. The best was Burn After Reading. The worst was Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. (Oy.) Here's all of them, best to worst, and their star ratings (on a four-star scale):Burn After Reading (four stars)
Be Kind Rewind (four stars)
Step Brothers (three and a half stars)
The Bank Job (three and a half stars)
The Dark Knight (three and a half stars)
Iron Man (three stars)
WALL·E (three stars)
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (two and a half stars)
Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired (two and a half stars)
Semi-Pro (two and a half stars)
Leatherheads (two stars)
Baby Mama (two stars)
Tropic Thunder (two stars)
Rambo (two stars)
Jumper (one star)
Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay (zero stars)
2. There were 32 more (strangely, exactly twice the amount I saw) released that I really want to see. They are (in alphabetical order):88 Minutes**I know, I know; I can't help it.
American Teen
Baghead**
The Band’s Visit
Blindness
Body of Lies
Changeling
Cadillac Records
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Death Race
Doomsday
Frozen River
The Grand
Gran Torino
JCVD
Man on Wire***
Meat Loaf: in Search of Paradise****
Midnight Meat Train*****
Milk
Miracle at St. Anna
Mister Lonely******
My Name is Bruce
Paranoid Park
The Pineapple Express
The Promotion
Revolutionary Road
Strange Wilderness*******
Synecdoche, New York
Valkyrie
The Visitor
W.
The Wrestler
** Possibly more than any other movie.
*** Though, I have to admit, I'm baffled at how this could possibly be as good as everybody says.
**** Fuck off. I can sense you judging me.
***** Clive Barker purportedly wrote this when he was stoned. How on Earth does something like this even get made? I must see Midnight Meat Train.
****** Currently in my living room.
******* My friend Chris swears by this. I am currently devising a plan where, on the same night, I will watch Strange Wilderness and he will watch Without a Paddle (a pleasant surprise if there ever was one), after which we will discuss the merits of both via telephone.
3. The Beatles, discounting Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, are actually pretty good. And, further:
a. Revolver is, perhaps, their best record; and4. Metal Church's third album, 1989's Blessing in Disguise, is surprisingly rad.
b. And Your Bird Can Sing is, perhaps, their best non-single.
5. Neon Knights (from 1980's Heaven and Hell) is the best—and, maybe, only good—post-Ozzy Black Sabbath song. (May require further inspection.)
6. After listening to much of, if not the entirety of, its catalog (including 2008's Good to Be Bad, which was, inexplicably, my first-ever digital download purchase), I can confidently report that Whitesnake has produced exactly one great song (Still of the Night, from 1987's Whitesnake), one pretty good song (Slow An' Easy, from 1984's Slide it In) and one okay song (Hit An' Run, from 1981's Come An' Get It).
7. Though it may be the wimpiest (and/or worst) song ever, Kid Rock's All Summer Long was a huge smash hit, further lamenting Rock's image as an old-school white trash badass, rather than exposing him as a thin-armed, deflated, silly-hat-wearing douche bag.
8.Clipse's Hell Hath No Fury, though pretty fucking awesome, is exclusively enjoyed by well-educated white people (especially music critics).9. Black Flag's My War (album) is nearly as heavy and awesome as The Stooges' Funhouse.
10. So What by Pink was second only to Katy Perry's I Kissed a Girl as the most surprisingly good single of 2008 (though So What is the better song).
11. The Ramones is the greatest rock band of all time.
12. The Gaslight Anthem is pretty good. (Though the song The '59 Sound is simply great.)
13. Dinosaur jr is still capable of putting out good records and playing transcendent live shows.
14. The Stooges are capable of neither.
15. There is an Art of War 2 starring Wesley Snipes.16. I will see TR2N on opening day, even though TR1N was pretty boring.
17. Never buy anything from buy.com. Ever.
18. Home Run Inn makes what is easily the best frozen pizza since the creation of frozen pizza. (Sausage and Pepperoni.)19. The best new flavor of chips I tried last year was Limited Edition McGraw's Spicy Jalapeño Fritos brand corn chips. The second best is Vitner's Buffalo & Blue Cheese potato chips (though I can't find any record that they ever existed).
20. The best new trend in frozen foods is, easily, Birdseye Steamfresh vegetables. (Fuck the Green Giant ones; they're taller than the inside of my microwave and come out all crazy.)
21. The best movies I saw last year (for the first time) not released in 2008 were (in no particular order):Escape From Alcatraz22. Like Iron Maiden or tequila, summer sausage is best enjoyed in small quantities.
Killer of Sheep
This is England
23. There's an outside chance that when my favorite TV show (Mad Men) returns, it may, inexplicably, be under the guidance of someone other than its creator.
24. There is no chance that my second favorite TV show (Lipstick Jungle) will continue in any way, shape or form, though me and my wife and have created a future where it is resurrected by Lifetime and, though there is absolutely no evidence or documentation anywhere to suggest this, we both foresee this as a likely possibility, as it is just easier that way, rather than letting go of one of the few things we enjoy equally.
25. After being persuaded otherwise by the near masterpiece Rocky Balboa, Sylvester Stallone reminded us all that he's a very special type of nutso with Rambo.
26. The best Rolling Stones song that isn't Gimme Shelter, Beast of Burden, Street Fighting Man or Honky Tonk Women is Jiving Sister Fanny.
27. Utopia may just best antisocial as the most misused term in the English language.
28. The Jerk, Too is only available for purchase in the U.K. Trust me; I checked.
